Celebrating Harvey Milk Day and the homosexual agenda

May 22 was not just another Saturday when the eggs were too runny and you fought with your boyfriend about whether or not sitting down to pee means he has gender issues, which, combined with his love of Sinead O'Connor's “Daddy I'm Fine,” you think is obvious and he thinks is practical. It was also the first annual Harvey Milk Day, at least in California. Harvey Milk, better known as Sean Penn, was a notorious homosexual who kissed James Franco and was shot by Josh Brolin, who was better in Goonies. Harvey Milk Day was established this year by California's Gov. Schwarzenegger, although he vetoed a similar bill in 2008. That was before he saw Emile Hirsch's ass in bellbottoms. While HMD isn't an official state holiday, it is recognized in public schools, which is a barefaced attempt to bench press the homosexual agenda into small minds.

Harvey Milk Day is a sort of Hanukkah for fags, but with strobe lights instead of candles. Both Jews and fags give gifts to kids, although the fags expect something in return. The only information I could find on what actually happens on Harvey Milk Day is that homosexuals are supposed to use the occasion to demand equality. None of the resources I've seen explain how exactly to demand equality, especially when Saturday is usually the day you wake-and-bake with the neighbors. In honor of Harvey Milk, The following is meant to educate you about this subset of the population.

Homosexuality is a psychological disorder in which one is attracted to members of the same sex. Symptoms among males (also know as “fags”) include a love of Mazda Miatas, the pop music star Beyonce, and hair products. Symptoms among women (“lesbians” or “dykes”) are subtler, as there are many varieties of homosexual female (see, for example, a common middle-aged variant recognizable by their Labrador retrievers and Life is Good t-shirts), but they are easy to spot since they tend to move in packs. While homosexual men may seek companionship among heterosexual women (“fag hags”) as well as other homosexual men, lesbians tend to segregate from other parts of society, preferring to maintain friend groups composed solely of other homosexual woman.

This does not, however, mean that all it takes to befriend a lesbian is membership in what they refer to as “the family.” On the contrary, lesbians naturally separate into different sects and look upon sects other than their own with derision. You will never, for instance, see a softball lesbian sharing a blanket at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival with a hipster dyke with prominent and colorful tattoos, most likely of inanimate objects. While it is true that they may both have bowl cuts, any chance of friendship is negated by the fundamental disparity in the widths of their pant legs.

There are multiple variations of homosexuality. Bisexuals are noted for the intense jealousy they incite in their partners. Another variation of homosexuality is transgenderism, symptoms of which include the unstoppable urge to change one’s name from something gender specific (e.g. “Sarah”) to something gender neutral (e.g. “Toast”). Transgendered populations are also marked by a decrease in sense of humor, which is the result of the large doses of hormones transgendered people often take in order to alter their physical appearances. This does not effect all of them, just the one who stomped my foot when I expressed confusion about that person’s adopted pro-noun, “they.”

Some homosexuals choose to fight the disorder with psychological intervention or commit to a lifetime of celibacy. Others choose to enter into traditional heterosexual relationships with the hope that their gayness will dissipate in a heteronormative environment, someday making it possible for them to make love to their spouses without imagining Tom Brady in a Speedo. But an increasing number of homosexuals are choosing to embrace their condition. They enter romantic relationships with other homosexuals, form performance art collectives with other homosexuals, and even raise their children to be homosexuals. In light of this movement towards universal acceptance, study the following principles to best communicate with your homosexual.

1. Two bottoms don’t make a top. While this phrase likely means nothing to you, the principle is well known in homosexual society. Whereas traditional male/female relationships often include a built-in top (male) and a built-in bottom (female), homosexuals must negotiate these roles. And because it can be uncomfortable to discuss such preferences, homosexuals often enter into sexual congress unaware of their partner’s preference for topping or bottoming. When two homosexuals prefer the same role, one homosexual must relinquish his or her preferred position, or, as in the two bottoms scenario, sex looks a lot like two people laying on their backs waiting for the other person to make the first move. While it is not unequivocally true that two bottoms or two tops cannot have a fulfilling sexual relationship, it can be a complicating force. Note: femme tops are a rare and valuable breed.

2. Also known as butch-on-butch violence, butchinsense is the unstated tension between two lesbians of the same genre—a sort of chest-puffing tension, if you will. This typically affects lesbians who display more masculine characteristics, or “butches.” Caused by a generalized anxiety among homosexuals due to the small number of available partners, butchinsense often diminishes when the butches converse for the first time and realize that they actually have a lot in common and might as well be friends. Femminsense exists, but is far less common.

3. Lesbian bed death is a myth. Actually, it’s not a myth, although homosexual women wish it were. Symptoms of lesbian bed death include owning multiple cats and peeing with the door open, both of which exacerbate what is already a common problem in long term lesbian relationships: a tendency to be boring. There is no equivalent in homosexual male relationships.

4. Your homosexual may at some point express a desire to marry his or her homosexual lover. When this happens, you should never express that homosexual marriage is a really fun game and you’d love to play along. You should react the same way you would when the heterosexuals in your life discuss the same subject. Support your homosexual and then, after she realizes that her partner’s new spoken word piece is actually about the shortstop on her softball team, gently remind her that the whole thing was as real as two four-year-olds reciting their vows and exchanging ring pops, and thank god for that.

Because the spread of homosexuality is inevitable and unstoppable, I hope this information will help you be better prepared the next time your brother tells you about the new friend he met while scarf shopping at Banana Republic. To Harvey Milk!